First, Do No Harm; But Also Don't Legitimise It
Don't weaponise the toxicity of others to get stuff done
I wrote a short introduction on the banality of execs last week. The TL;DR version is that
Don’t fear the sociopath, but the average and the mundane boss as they are legion—but they can still cause great harm.
This week, I entertain the opposite scenario.
The Summer of 2008 🎶🏘️📉
I had my first proper job at the end of my junior year at college. After a three-month summer internship, I stayed on part-time during my senior year, working at the Near East1 hub of a massive transnational corporation for the next three years.
To give you context, this was 2008. Everyone worked five days in the office (see: cubicle hell), every cubicle had a landline (see: dialling extensions), and we thought 9/11 would be the defining moment of our generation—people get to see others go to the Moon but we get global terrorism?!—then people started to talk about some bank closure in the US…
If you missed that exciting part of near history, in my workplace they were laying off people on last Fridays of every month, communicated about 30 mins before EoP. We were occupying several floors of a plaza building, so everyone’s eyes would be glued to the escalators, as that was where the HR person would appear with a bunch of notices of termination. Dubbed the ‘Angel of Death’, employees would pretend to stare at their screens as he went from department to department. If he left a letter on your desk, it was nice knowing you 👋
First Contact [with Workplace Toxicity]
At the end of my interview with my skip-level manager, he dialed the extension of my will-be manager to come and meet me in his office.
The first sign of trouble was that my manager told his boss that he’s too busy and had to be strong-armed to just come and meet me.
The second sign of trouble was when he showed up several minutes later—the walking distance was roughly 10 meters—he didn’t even look at my general direction and told his boss that he “doesn’t do” interns. More strong-arming ensued.
The remaining signs can be aggregated into the bin of unwanted office boy—go fetch the print-outs, walk a bit faster will you, wait for me in the canteen (and then doesn’t show up for 4 hours) etc.
I thought things could be better but i) the societal pressure to have a proper job was real, and ii) it paid bloody well. So I kept my mouth shut, but I also thought this must be normal.
Skipping a bit ahead, at the conclusion of my internship, my manager decided to keep me: first part-time until I graduate, then full-time afterwards. I was thrilled! My [toxic] boss liked me enough to keep me on after all that abuse! Also, now the money was even better.
Accepting Toxicity Willingly
I haven’t give it more thought until this one incident, maybe a year in into my first year. My cubicle was next to my manager’s, we were literally within reaching distance of an extended arm. He was having a phone call, speaking in a monotonous voice—no heightened emotion, very flat. TBH I wasn’t paying much attention, busy doing some budgeting in Excel.
My phone rings, and the extension displays the name of my boss. He’s calling me from the adjacent cubicle. Instead of picking up, I turn to him and say “What’s up, boss?”
No acknowledgment. He is staring at his phone intently. If I may speculate a bit, it looks like he’s getting agitated that I’m not picking up the phone.
So I pick up the phone, still looking at him. “Yes, boss”
“I have [this person from a supplier] on the line. We were talking and she started crying. Keep her on the line until she recovers enough to continue, then transfer her to me” cling
He transferred the call to me before I could process what was going on. A woman was crying uncontrollably on the other side of the phone. I’m like 21, possessing the same level of social grace of a shed tool. I don’t have a clue re: what to say.
“Oh, you know my boss, sometimes he can be a bit [psycho?, maniac? extremely rude?], he doesn’t really mean it [why wouldn’t he?], take all the time you need, I’ll wait [I’m doing budgeting, anyway] ”.
After several minutes of sobbing, she told me that she was ready(!), and I transferred the call back to my manager. I heard the same monotonous tone, and it sounded like the ‘issue’ was resolved. I asked afterwards what that was all about, and he just said ‘doing business’.
The Mistake of Leveraging Toxicity of Others
As you might imagine, my boss would do something similar roughly every other week. And the people around him—and I was around him all the time—picked up this habit of weaponising his toxic demeanour. It was simple, and it was hilariously effective:
Someone: gives you grief
Me: You know who my boss is, right? Do you really want to deal with him? Instead, you can deal with me, I’m normal, reasonable etc.
Someone: Ehh, OK [why do I work with these people?]
I didn’t realise this at the time of course, but what we were doing was legitimising his behaviour as an acceptable way of dealing with fellow human beings. I don’t call it ‘doing business’; this is fundamental human interaction.
But it is so easy to fall into this trap, because it serves you well. My boss sucks, I suck less in comparison, so please do what I want, thanks. Doesn’t sound like a good foundation for a healthy relationship, eh?
It serves you well in other ways too. I was the beneficiary of a bunch of positive adjectives because I was my boss’ protégé. He was well-regarded and widely accepted as being great at his job in the industry; the thinking went that I must be good enough for him to keep me around. And I did enjoy this elevated stature, even though I knew what went into building that reputation.
I must admit I don’t have any realistic advice. I often used to think there was nothing the 21-year-old me could have done differently. I acknowledge that I was ridiculously unprepared for handling such a matter at the time. I was fully into the victim narrative—I’m just a guy; he’s quite senior, well-respected (how?), gets stuff done, brings in revenue (oh, that’s how)—on what basis I could challenge him?
However, I do wholeheartedly advise resisting the temptation to weaponise the toxicity of others. If you are in a similarly toxic situation with your manager, forge your own relationships independently and be your own person, not an antithesis to someone else. Meaning, if you are kind and treat others with respect (i.e. do no harm2), make this your own personal brand—over time, by displaying actions that back it up repeatedly—and explicitly state that this is your approach to ‘doing business’. This way, you are the champion of your own approach, and in case of toxic but well-regarded bosses, an example of being the change you want to see in the world3.
For some reason, I can never take this moniker seriously. Could be that I normalised Middle and Far East to a degree that Near East sounds weird.
Primum non nocere, secundo non extendit. First, do no harm; second do not extend [the harm]. Yes, I made up the second bit.
Apparently, Gandhi didn’t say this at all.